| attempt to understand why I did this to myself. I was told I was attractive, I aspired to be glamorous, I liked to look nice. And yet there was a self-destructive force cutting through everything I stood for, everything I wanted to be. | | What I do know is that TTM is powerful. Once it has you in its grasp it doesn't want to let you go. It controls you by making pulling a pleasurable act, a comfort, a release from stress so you don't feel able to let it go. Like a domineering partner who has such a powerful hold on you that you can't leave - no matter how much you realise it's for the best. I would set myself challenges; every New Year's Eve I would ceremonially pull my last ever hair only to find myself pulling another one before the first day of January had got underway. On the night of my father's sudden death I told myself that the line had been drawn and I would never pull again, in his honour. | | The urge to pull would take over within a matter of hours. That really wasn't the right time to try to walk away from my demons. | | As the years passed, it became apparent that I wasn't alone and other people did this too. Magazine articles and problem pages emerged where the subject of hair pulling was discussed. It was little comfort as this was not something I was willing to admit to the world. My mother knew, presumably she guessed, and so did my husband although I have no recollection of actually telling him. This was my personal battle. I tried reiki, hypnosis, age regression therapy, aromatherapy, meditation and NLP. Apart from the briefest of respite, pulling persisted for another decade. For me it was difficult to find a solution to the problem as I actually found it to be such a pleasurable experience. | | By this stage I had been pulling almost continually for over 20 years. I couldn't wear my hair down. Whether I liked it or not, a disproportionate amount of my time would have to be spent doing my hair. I dreaded if ever I would have to |
| | go to hospital as my secret would be discovered (I have since learnt that thin is a common fear of TTM sufferers). I could not risk people turning in unannounced in case my hair was not presentable. Swimming and most outdoor pursuits were simply out the question. Looking back - I missed so many opportunities and denied myself so much as I struggled to cope alone with my situation. I woke up one day and realised that my life had been taken over by TTM and I wanted it back. | | A few years earlier I had read an article in a magazine about a company called Attention X which specialised in hair solutions for women with hair loss. The article had been ripped out and stashed away for another day. That day had arrived. With a degree of trepidation I called the company (now going by the name of The Lucinda Ellery Consultancy) and found myself confessing everything for the first time. It felt weird but strangely liberating to be openly discussing my problem with a complete stranger, especially someone who seemed so well Informed and non judgmental. | | My first consultation with Lucinda herself confirmed to me that the hair replacement system she could offer would solve my immediate cosmetic issues and would serve as a barrier preventing me from pulling further. But what I sensed beyond this was a genuine interest and concern for sufferers and a passion for helping people overcome their difficulties. This was to be far more than a "get your wig fitted, pay your money and walk away" experience and over the years the support and concern Lucinda and her team have shown me has been immense. | | On 30 June 2006 I arrived at Lucinda's London studio to have my Volumiser / Intralace System fitted. For 8 hours Sally and Ricardo busied themselves around me, creating a head of hair that I never dreamed possible. At the end of the day I stood, somewhat shell-shocked, at the tube station. It felt as if this was a new beginning. Suddenly I had regained some freedom in my in |
| | my life. My hair looked "normal". The next day I was hit by a massive lack of confidence and convinced myself that everyone would think it was a wig. Gradually I realised that everything was fine. |  | | I continued to wear the Intralace system for 5 years - regularly attending appointments. This was a significant financial commitment but I was fortunate in that I could afford it. I have kept every single receipt but vow never to add them all up. I had hoped that the system would act as an effective barrier and prevent me from pulling, but I found myself pulling again where the Intralace system had loosened. Lucinda's staff were so kind and never questioned this - they just understood. | | The turning point for me came when I found out about a health supplement called Acetylcysteine. I did some research and found that there had been a number of studies done which had found it to be effective in preventing hair pulling compulsions amongst other conditions. With only the slightest amount of optimism, I decided to give it a try and was staggered to find that my hair pulling urges completed stopped dramatically from the moment I started taking the tablets. I am most definitely not regarding this as a miracle cure as it most certainly isn’t. And whether I would have stopped anyway is |
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